


just a kiss (but it's all of me)

by haiikyuuns



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Death, F/M, Happy Halloween!, incubus!kenma x human!reader, maybe slightly OOC, sorry i have the vocab of a child, underlying suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:28:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27299488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haiikyuuns/pseuds/haiikyuuns
Summary: his kisses are addictive, but you find that it’s becoming increasingly harder and harder to live without them. incubus!kenma au - kenma/oc
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Reader, Kozume Kenma/You
Comments: 10
Kudos: 57





	just a kiss (but it's all of me)

**Author's Note:**

> happy halloween! this is inspired by 3 second lunch by tobina touya, an oneshot included in sarashi asobi.

If anyone tells you that you will encounter an injured man who will change your life on your way home from just another day of work, you would have laughed in their face. Your life is not a fairy tale, and you don't expect a stranger to magically appear in your life like you're the main character of a shoujo manga. You are just another one in a billion on this earth, wandering your way through life, going through the motions you’ve learned to accept but never love. 

But here you are, standing in front of the alleyway on your way home, umbrella clutched in your hands to shield you from the heavy rainstorm, staring into the golden cat-like eyes of a stranger. He lays on the ground, eyes analytical and fierce, and you don’t know why you’re approaching him but there’s something about him that pulls you towards him. He doesn't look injured, but he looks exhausted and weak just from the lines under his eyes and his pale, almost gray skin. It makes you think he's not entirely human because he's so intense, his eyes like molten gold and his skin like ashen pale. You try not to mind it.

Like you would approach a cat, you calmly lower yourself to his eye-level and blink slowly in between breaks of eye contact. When he drops his guarded eyes and eases his tense posture just slightly but remains unmoving otherwise, you slowly approach him. 

You sigh softly before you place your umbrella on top of him, not sure if it will do much to protect him from the rain, before you turn to leave. Just because you don’t want to wake up to another day doesn’t mean that this stranger necessarily doesn't too. 

He loosely grabs your sleeve and jerks you back as you leave, and your eyes widen at the sudden movement. He is silent in his movements, and it catches you by surprise. When you turn to face him again, you meet his messy blond ends and intense golden eyes searching yours as if he’s looking for something, anything. Maybe he finds whatever he’s looking for in your tired eyes or your exhausted aura, but when the strike of lightning hits, he finally breaks the silence with a simple question.

“Want to play a game?” he asks hesitantly, body stiff and eyes cautious, the light from the lightning amplifies the gold in his eyes and sends a shiver down your spine. Despite his wary eyes, there are flickers of hunger in them as he stares at your lips, and it takes you aback because he’s looking at you, the whole you, with such intensity that it makes your heart and the butterflies in your stomach flutter.

You search his eyes, and you know this is a bad idea. Maybe you’re just tired, tired of your mundane days, tired of living but never feeling alive, maybe this is what you need all along. 

“Okay,” you whisper. 

* * *

The rain doesn't let up as you lead the stranger back to your apartment. Maybe it is a bad idea, but apparently, you are full of bad ideas today anyway so what's one more anyway?

When you unlock the door to your small apartment, you gesture him in. He looks lost, standing in the doorway, slowly taking everything in, so you just sigh and take off your shoes. Grabbing a towel for the both of you, you find him still standing in the doorway, water forming a small puddle at his feet.

"I don't bite, you know?" you joke sarcastically as you hand him a towel.

He stares at you before he takes the towel and mumbles a thank you. Following you, he takes off his shoes and dries his hair, eyes never leaving you. You gesture for him to take a seat on the couch before you disappear to change and find him some clothes. You suppose this is when years of shopping for oversized, baggy clothes come in handy. 

After he changes into your spare clothes, you find that his wet hair is wetting the clothes again. 

"You need some help with that, or?" you ask, vaguely gesturing to his hair.

"No," he mumbles softly as he roughly dries his hair. 

It's kind of adorable, you think, because he looks so clumsy doing it, but you're not the one to push so you just let him be. After settling in new clothes and two cups of warm cocoa in front of the two of you, you finally address the question. 

"So," you start curiously as you look at him, noting his eyes always trail back to your lips, "How do you play this game?"

He stares at you as if he's trying to read you, as if he's trying to figure out the words inside his head. You only sip your cocoa in silence as you let him formulate his thoughts. Having some temporary company is nice, you think, regardless of circumstances. 

Eventually, he settles on a stiff, "kiss?" as he hides behind his hair. 

You blink twice before looking at him, not quite sure if you're hearing this right. "You want to… kiss?" you ask just to be sure. 

"Yeah, I feed on kisses," he nods, "And I could take away your sadness."

"Oh," you gasp softly, "You… can?"

He nods, "Something like that."

"Alright, make me feel something then, Pudding Head," you agree almost immediately, half-joking and half hoping he really could take away the constant haze that plagues your mind.

He looks miffed at your comment, but his fingers brush against your lip for a moment before he slides his hand behind your ear and pulls you in for a kiss.

Your eyes flutter open as his lips touch yours because he knocks the air out of your lungs. This isn't your first kiss, but there is a spark in your soul that ignites the drumming of your pounding heart. There is something about the way he kisses that takes away the constant voice in the back of your mind and the heaviness in your chest. It is a swift kiss, and when he pulls back, he mutters a soft thank you for the meal. 

You don't miss the way the lines under his eyes disappear or the color returning to his skin, but as the rain turns into a small drizzle, you take another sip of your cocoa and think that can be a conversation for another day.

* * *

Unlike your initial thought of having temporary company, he stays. You learn that his name is Kenma and he has addictive kisses, but he doesn't tell you anything else. You shrug because everyone has secrets they don't want to tell, so you never push it. He doesn't ask anything of you either, and it's kind of comforting to have someone here who isn't constantly prying something out of you, trying to fix you. 

You quickly rope him into helping out with your house chores. There's something so domestic about the way that he slowly accumulates a set of silverware and toiletries that are strictly his, the way that he learns how to brew your favorite tea, the way that his body ends up curling against yours on cold nights. There's something so familiar about the way that you learn he prefers hot cocoa to tea, that he can be so absorbed in a new game he forgets to eat, that there's a sense of intimacy when he eventually lets you tie his hair. These little things fall into place so naturally that it both warms and frightens you. 

Just as quickly as you roped Kenma into doing chores, you learn how to play video games as Kenma buys new consoles and games. There are soft brushes of shoulders, twinkling eyes, and borderline evil laughter as you two fall in a natural pattern of sniping an enemy. You think you realize how easy it is to fall into a new world as you continue to level up in the games, how easy it is to fall when you see concentrated golden eyes from the corner of yours and the same adoring eyes and soft smile when you catch him looking at you when you beat him for once. 

You're not sure if this could be called a game, but your daily exchange of kisses becomes somewhat of a comforting ritual. There's no feeling behind it because you are both just benefiting from it, but somewhere along the lines, you realize that one swift kiss per day becomes two when you begin stealing kisses, and it turns into three when he steals them back. Before long, it becomes just lingering kisses where it leaves the two of you gasping for air, hearts matching in rapid succession and eyes filling with forming feelings with every touch. 

You pretend like you don't notice these changes as the two of you continue with your lives. 

It's raining again when the two of you return from your errands. If he is staying here, he has to at least help you carry groceries that somehow feels too heavy for you now. After changing into comfortable clothes and nursing a cup of hot cocoa for him and tea for you, he breaks the thin wall between the two of you after a moment of comfortable silence. "Why did you let me in?"

You stare at him and laugh. "Isn't it a little too late to be asking that?"

He shrugs, "You don't let many people in."

"You're right," you agree. You notice his still dripping hair, black roots now outgrowing his blond tips, and sigh, "Here, let me."

He glances at you swiftly before he hands you the cat towel you've designated for him. As you dry his hair, he closes his eyes and relaxes into your touch.

"Maybe I was trying to live," you finally whisper. 

He opens an eye to peek at you before closing it again as you work on his hair. "I could have been a serial killer for all you know."

"Maybe…" you continue, heart heavy and voice soft as you whisper the words that have long torment your mind, "Maybe I wouldn't have minded that either." 

There's a pause of silence sans the gameplay music in the background as your ruffle his blond hair. It's a sentiment you've never said aloud, and frankly, you don't think he will answer.

But he does. "What if I do end up killing you?" 

"Well, death by you wouldn't be so bad," you laugh airily. "Please tell me it'll be peaceful though." 

You have an inkling of why he asks you when you notice that along with your overwhelming thoughts, your body also thins and you grow more and more tired with each kiss. You're sure he notices too by the way he begins to reject kisses from you and how he looks at you with sadness and frustration in his eyes. His skin begins to lose its glow and the tired lines under his eyes are forming again. It breaks your heart a little because the walls he let down are building back up, and you find that's more heartbreaking than what's going on with you. 

"Kenma," you ask softly as you rest your head on his chest and the sound of his heartbeat mixes in with the drizzling rainstorm outside. 

He hums in response, and you feel the vibration of his body. He's warm, you think.

"Are you going to leave?" you question inaudibly. 

He stiffens as you prop yourself up to look at him. You can see the ceases forming in his forehead, and his mouth twisting into a small pout like he always does when he's thinking. 

Before he can say yes, you quickly add, "Don't go."

He stares at you, and when his eyes trail to your thinning body that no longer fits your clothes and your hollowing cheeks, his eyes look crestfallen.

"I'm going to kill you," he finally whispers, eyes adverting from yours.

You take a deep breath and smile softly, "I think death by kisses isn't too bad."

You see the furrows of his eyes and the twists of his lips thinning together in annoyance. He's about to burst, you think, because he's always so expressive with his emotions. He grabs your arm, anger in his eyes and it contorts on his face. "I don't want you to die!"

You tilt your head and look into his eyes. He always has the prettiest eyes, you think, but you find that when he's honest like this, his eyes become more animated. He becomes more animated, more human.

"I want to kiss you," you tug at his arm. "I want to kiss you whenever, wherever, until the end of time." 

When he looks at you, you can see the forlorn on his face. You can see the unshed tears and his hesitation. You are selfish, you know, but you find that a world without the comforting clicks of consoles in the living room, soft laughter in the kitchen, and hushed conversations in the bedroom too painful to go back to. 

It’s strange, you think, because death has always been an invasive, lingering thought in your mind. It is inevitable, but as you stare at Kenma, laying next to you in the bed you share, you begin to wish you had more time. More, more, _more_. 

You just want these moments to last forever. 

But when you see the glimpses of yourself in the mirror, your hands touching your hollowing cheeks and glassy eyes, and you know time is running out. Your time is ticking, and these peaceful moments will not last much longer. The thought of death comes running back, crashing into your senses at full force, and you have to remind yourself to breathe because for once, you wish you will wake up the next morning, and the morning after, and all the ones after, right next to him.

But time has never been on your side, so you can only look at Kenma next to you longingly and bite your lips to hold back the tears in your eyes. You made this decision the moment you accepted the game, and you lost the moment when kissing him became a loving gesture rather than an exchange of terms. You lost the moment he made your heart flutter and you more alive than you've been living. 

Kenma jolts almost immediately as a tear falls from your eyes. He’s never good with words, but when his hands clutch yours silently and his concerned eyes meet yours, you realize that maybe this is a game where you both lost by the way his eyes said the three words you've tucked in your heart and sealed on your lips.

“I do too," he finally admits quietly.

He knows, you think. He has always been extremely perceptive of you and your emotions, because he can always guess what you’re thinking, because he always watches you with something in his eyes when he thinks you’re not looking.

“Let’s stop,” he says softly. 

“No,” you whisper, voice cracking, as you grip his hand, eyes pleading because you don’t think you can live without him anymore.

“Let’s stop.” He says with finality in his voice, unwavering, unmoving, almost cold, and it scares you because this is the reality that you don’t want, this is the ending that you wanted to avoid. 

You only continue to shake your head no because you find that your voice has given out on you. 

"Live," he pleads softly, "You deserve to live."

There is a heavy silence in the room, and from the way he curls and uncurls his fist and the avoidance in his eyes, you can almost hear the "without me" at the end of his sentence. 

"Then…" you start as your hand gently uncurls his fist, "Let me have a last rematch, okay?" 

He stares at you warily, but his eyes soften as he leans in and rests his head on your thin shoulders. "I can never really say no to you, huh?" he scoffs softly, voice gentle and sad. 

You wrap your thinning arms around him, holding onto him like it's the last time, like this moment will end if you don't, and rests your head against his. "Guess I'm the final boss you can't ever beat," you tease lightly. 

He doesn't answer, but he returns your embrace, holding you as if you're going to disappear, as if he's trying to ingrain the contours of your body against his into his mind. There is a sense of finality as the light rain outside finally lets up and the stars and moon slowly peek through the cloudy skies. 

You reluctantly let go of him to stand up, legs slightly wobbling as you do, and hold out your hand to him, fingers bonier than you remember. But he takes your hand without hesitance, and you find a smile fighting its way to your face.

"Let's go, adventurer, the time to face off the final boss is here," you giggle lightly despite your heavy heart. "Oh, wait! Let me get changed!" you exclaim suddenly because you realize this really will be the last time.

He hums in acknowledgment, and you turn to pick out your favorite white dress. You change into your dress, fitting a lot looser than it did before, and you take a deep breath because you cannot cry right now. 

You learn that despite his calm demeanor and permanent energy-saving mode, he is very expressive in his emotions. When his golden eyes dull as he poorly attempts to mask the sadness in his eyes, you smile because you think you've gotten quite good at reading him too. You pinch his cheek to get his attention, and when his eyes finally meet yours, his pout dissipates and turns into a soft smile. 

"Well, how do I look?" you ask as you twirl and spin around, showing off your dress to Kenma like you did many times before.

And like all the times before, he still looks at you like the first time you showed him, with a soft smile and even softer eyes. "Beautiful," he answers as if the loose fit of the dress or your glass bones and skin doesn't matter, as if he just sees you behind your breakable state.

You flash the brightest smile you could muster. "Good."

"Where are we going?" he asks as he follows your lead. 

He knows this route by heart. Your favorite place in the world is the flower field on the outskirts of town because you love how the light blues of the forget-me-nots contrast with the darkness of the sky and the glow of the stars. As you reach your destination, you plop down softly on the grass beside the forget-me-nots, not minding the cold from the dew.

He takes a seat beside you, eyes following your movements as you pluck some flowers from the bush. He raises an eye at you as you continue to weave flowers together and hum your favorite soundtrack from his favorite game, but he watches you tenderly, desperately, trying to memorize the sound of your voice and the movements of your body. You ignore his stares because you know if you meet his eyes now, you will cry. So you keep weaving forget-me-nots into two small rings before you slide one onto your finger and give one to him. 

"Take this adventurer, for it will aid you in your final battle!" you tease as you place one into his hand, touch lingering for far longer than intended. 

"And what do I need this for?" he plays along and chuckles softly. 

You stare at him under the moonlight. Much like the night you met him, his eyes are intense, but they are more warm orange than cold gold. He only looks at you and not your lips, like he only sees you in this world surrounded by stars. Like the very first night, your heart beats apace like it always does when you're with him. 

But unlike the first night, the rain finally stopped so you can see the love that overshadows the hunger in his eyes, and his initial cautious movements of hesitation are now soft movements of fondness. You grin happily because you think you finally understand what it means to be alive. 

"So you will remember me," you say softly as you lean your forehead against his. "So you will remember that I lived."

He stares at you in disbelief before he closes his eyes and breathes out, "I don't think I can forget."

You smile once again, and you find that you are falling into the deepest part of him. Your heart beats rapidly, and when you look at him for the last time, you find that his eyes shine brighter than the stars. He will be upset, you think, but you find that this is the ending you want, this is your happily ever after. 

So with the three words that threaten to spill from your lips on your mind, you kiss him deeply, madly, like there's no tomorrow. Your heart soars and your heartbeat resounds in your soul, and this is what it means to be alive. To love, and to be loved. 

As your conscious fades, you only catch glimpses of wide cat-like eyes and his arms desperately trying to hold onto you. You wish you could tell him to smile. You see playbacks of sleeping in past noon on Sundays and playing video games in midnight lights. You feel the soft brushes of hand and the cold kisses that eventually set fire to your soul. You see him, just him, in his soft smile and warm eyes. 

And you smile. 

* * *

"Kenma," Kuroo knocks on the door and enters his room. 

Black roots are long outgrown, and his loose hair makes his ashen body look even more sunken, more fragile. 

"You need to eat," Kuroo urges softly, desperately.

"Not hungry," Kenma finally answers, voice weak from the lack of use, despite the grumble from his stomach.

"It's been months," Kuroo pleads, "Eat something, please."

Kenma’s dull yellow eyes flicker to Kuroo, body too heavy, too painful to move. "Thanks, Kuroo," he repeats softly again, "But I'm not hungry."

It's a lie. Kuroo knows it, he knows it, everyone who sees his ghastly form and hears his rumbling stomach knows it. But he continues to ignore Kuroo's begging eyes and returns his gaze on the wilted forget-me-nots. He twirls what's left of the ring in his hands, and much like it's namesake, he cannot forget, does not want to forget. 

He remembers your tired eyes the first night in the rain and how they begin to sparkle with each day. He remembers watching your crooked smile become toothy grins and your forced laughter becomes loud guffaws. He remembers you twirling in your white dress, and though you didn't tell him, he knows it's your favorite because it's the first dress that left him speechless. 

He hates it. He hates how the sound of your laughter still rings in his mind as he tries to remember the way your warmth and body feels against his. He hates that when he closes his eyes, all he sees is you, you, _you_ , and his heart breaks again because all he has is the memories in his head but never you. 

It's okay, he reassures himself, because as he looks at the ticking of the clock, counting down each second, he knows he will see you again soon.

Much like all the other nights, he thinks of you and your smile, but for the first time in months, he smiles softly as he slips into a peaceful sleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> because you are there, in my world where my existence holds no meaning, i can laugh.


End file.
